The Bombing of Iraq; Sex? Oil? Or Both?

By Heidi Knittel

So Clinton has a libido the size of Super K-Mart. Shocker. Tell us something we don't already know. The real question seems to be: Can Clinton's Penis Problem (CPP) possibly be relevant to his ability to show up and do the job for which he is paid?

Well, as it turns out, the Clinton team may not need my support on this one. His approval ratings just happen to be the highest ever -- right up there with John F. Kennedy. However, as the tabloids leeched, er, I mean latched, onto this newer, sexier version of Zippergate, co-starring Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp, I was unable to resist my two cents, kneejerk liberal that I am.

I attempted to come up with a few pithy rationalizations about why CPP is irrelevant to, well, anything. Here goes: Isn't is time to give amnesty to this naive notion that our president holds some sort of moral torch? Yes, Lewinsky, an adult woman, allegedly had consensual sexual relations with Clinton; however, she was a big girl who knew she was getting into the deep and potentially dangerous end of the pool. There is no victim here. Besides, where our President "feels his pain" has nothing to do with his ability to run this country; after all, he's just a man with a nuclear button, not God. Or, my personal soapbox, this Consenting-Women-as-Sexual-Victims trend is getting tired. (And hey, Kennedy had women shuttled in like cattle and as if he was bigger than Elvis.)

My original thought was, that despite Clinton's obvious lack of weenie-control, he appeared to be doing a good job in office (back off, Newt-ies!). Besides, I'd be interested to see how many Congressman wouldn't be guilty of similar conduct (Well, I'm not that interested. How interesting could it possibly be to see old Congressmen having sex?)

Therefore, Nosy Parkers that we are, especially when sex is involved, it's time to close the blinds and stash the binoculars back under the bed where they belong.

My second thought, upon further reflection, was, of course CPP would affect his ability to govern our nation, just not in the way we imagined. More like in a Wag the Dog kind of way. We have a scandal of a sexual nature, the nation is entranced as only media addicts can be, and, suddenly we are threatened with impending war.

Now, I understand what's going on with Iraq. No, not the "they are a threat to our security" thing; rather, the "we must protect our resources at all costs so we can continue to be the greediest and most powerful nation on the planet" thing (all the while, I might add, turning a blind eye to China's abhorrent regard of human rights, but I digress . . .). What is fascinating is the urgency we have suddenly placed on this situation with Saddam Hussein, a man who has "been a threat" to our country since the last time we supposedly won the war against Iraq. And I have a feeling that Hussein, media star that he is, knows the pickle in which our illustrious president has placed himself and is using that to his great advantage, playing Clinton like a game piece.

So, whether or not this "situation" in the Middle East was all part of some nefarious plan to take our attention from CPP or was merely fortuitous, Clinton's ratings will most likely remain high. After all, sending troops into battle in the name of patriotism is much more admirable than sexual deviancy, even with someone as enticing as Monica Lewinsky.

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